70th Blog, Raining and Jokes once again!!!

Hello all
WOW this is my 70th blog already I am so amazed. It seems like such a short time ago that I applied for 1. It is Raining & Windy here once again some interesting reading for you below:

Letter: This is a letter sent to a Bank in the US. The Bank thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times.
Dear Sir,I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place seven or eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank.

I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following changes: First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but inorder that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that themandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:
1. To make an appointment to see
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer: To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through to 9.
10. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:......."Oh, the banks are made of marble With a guard at every door And the vaults are filled with silver that the miners sweated for". After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it off by heart.
On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page.Enquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year.Your humble client.

Joke: Tickle me Elmo>There is a factory in America which makes the "Tickle Me Elmo" toys. The >toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.>A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for >her first day promptly at 0800. The next day at 0845 there is a knock at >the Personnel Manager's door.>The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant >about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow, and the >whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind >schedule.>The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two >men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so >backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and >they're really beginning to pile up.>At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of >Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of >small marbles.>The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it >around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between >Elmo's legs.>The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.>After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches >the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight >face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. >Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!!!!!

Joke: MOM - JOB DESCRIPTION
POSITION :
Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Ma
JOB DESCRIPTION:
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an,
often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour
shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments
in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier
duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES:
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily, until someone needsa couple of bucks . Must be willing to
bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in
case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just
crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate
production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and
organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the
next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for
the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete
accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years,
without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so
that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a
continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon
payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college
will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme
is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS:
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this
job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs
for life if you play your cards right.

Hope you enjoyed those I thought they were pretty good anyway.
Watched “Broken Arrow” again must have been the hundredth time well it seems like it anyway…. u know the 1 with Christian Slater and John Travolta. Anyway it’s very good and has plenty of action and about a Major stealing the Nuclear warheads from the stealth while they were flying.
The captain gets them back though he has to go through a lot of trouble to get them back with the help of “Terry Carmichael”(Forgotten her real name- given you her character’s name though).
Well must go got a lot to do and must put this on the blog before the power goes of again. Having loads of power failures these days must be the weather.
Ciao 4 now
Silver
:P