Stuff, Marriage and its Tuesday!!!

Hello all,
Read the below and be sure to enjoy them.

Joke: SHOPPING AT WOOLIES (South African)
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.""Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies,"there's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it aurine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs R20.00 - a lot quicker andcheaper than a doctor." So Joe deposits urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies. He deposits R20.00, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout :"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Woolies."That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joebegan wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tapwater, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife anddaughter and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back toWoolies, eager to check the results. He deposits R20.00, pours in hisconcoction and waits for the results.The computer prints out the following :1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. (1stFloor)5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never getbetter.Thank you for shopping @ Woolies.

INFO: HEAR WHAT OPRAH HAD TO SAY ABOUT MEN (USA)
> If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
> If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
> Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.
> Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
> Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to
> be.
> Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what
> makes
> you truly happy.
> If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you
> deserve
> then heck no, you can't "be friends".
> A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
> Don't settle.
> If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't
> stay because you think "it will get better."
> You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not
> better.
> The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
> Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
> He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you
> any
> differently?
> Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
> Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you,
> speak
> up.
> Never let a man know everything.* He will use it against you later.
> You cannot change a man's behaviour.* Change comes from within.
> Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he
> has
> more education or in a better job.
> Do not make him into a quasi-god.
> He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
> Never let a man define who you are.
> Never borrow someone else's man.
> If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
> A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
> All men are NOT dogs.
> You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way
> street.
> You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute
> about
> baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
> You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship
> consists
> of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not
> supplementary.
> Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
> Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and
> you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
> Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man.
> Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you
> need.*
> Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
> Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make
> someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
> They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
> an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and
> an entire lifetime to forget them.

Joke: Sayings
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
A day without sunshine is like... night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
The things that come to those who wait are usually the things left by those who got there first.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Story: Special Grocery List
Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store.She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries.She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food.John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once.Visualizing the family needs, she said: "Please, sir! I will bring you the money just assoon as I can."John told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store.Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two. The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family.The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, "Do you have a grocery list?"Louise replied, "Yes sir." "O.K" he said, "put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount ingroceries."Louise, hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down.The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, "I can't believe it."The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more.The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement.It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said:"Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands."The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence.Louise thanked him and left the store.The other customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said;"It was worth every penny of it .. Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs."

Well I do hope that u did enjoy those but work calls once again…My car got fixed thank Goodness that’s done… something to do with leaking break fluid which by the way is neva a good thing ur breaks suddenly just don’t work anymore but its fixed now!!! My uncle is getting married and he didn’t even invite us to go and I don’t know what the matter is with him. And I don’t like his wife-to be either all though they have been living together for 8 or so years. I don’t know why I am getting so worked up over it but it is 1 of those special occasions and I should be there but he doesn’t care much about that and we not that close anyway actually I hardly know the man but besides that he is my uncle and I should be there. He decided 2 get married in 2 months just like that!! Any way I hope he is happy!
Sun is shining that’s a good thing and it is the last month of Winter next month which is also a good thing.
I’ll write more tomorrow
Behave hey and don’t work 2 hard!
Silver
:P