Jokes, Books and sayings...Friday at long Last!!!!

Hello People,
Howiz ur day?? Weather is good. Reading “Apt Pupil” by Stephen King and have read “Shawshank Redemption” by Stephen King as well as “The Birthday Girl” by Stephen Leather which all are very good books which seem to keep you pasted into the drama and movement of the story. Plenty action. Below are some sayings jokes…Enjoy!!!

1. A prostitute goes to deposit a R100 in a bank.The teller says, 'Sorry, madam, the note is fake ".
"Oh my God.' exclaimed the prostitute, 'I have been RAPED!
2. Girl enters sex shop and asks the clerk, 'Where is your vibrator section? Clerk: Over there madam. Girl: How much for that red one?
Clerk: Sorry madam, that's a fire extinguisher.
3. Q. What's the definition of gynaecologist?A. The only fool who looks for problems where others try to find pleasure.
4. Love is complicated machinery. But sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.
5. SEX is like a card game.
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
6. Husband: You never tell me how much you enjoy sex .
Wife: Well, you are never at home at that time.
7. Q: What is virginity? A: It's not dignity. It is lack of opportunity.
8. A man was looking at a painting for a long time of a naked woman, with leaves covering her body.
When asked what he was doing, he answered, 'Waiting for autumn.'

Marriage
I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, And so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way. My friends encouraged me.

And my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed.
That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!.

Zuma!?!??! (SA JOKES)
If Zuma and Sheik get into a car, who is driving?
The Policeman.

How many Zuma's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It depends how much Sheik is willing to pay.

McDonalds has a new Zuma burger.
You get free chippies and a Sheik

They shouldn't have fired Zuma.
He was the best vice president money can buy.

True Friend
A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, He said...no. She
asked him if he would want to be with her forever....and he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he
replied with a no.
She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her
face, the boy grabbed her arm and said......”You're not pretty you're
beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever, I NEED to be with you
forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away…...I'd die!
SO NOW I WILL SAY:

“I like you because of who you are to me....A true friend

Remember: "A good friend will not come bail you out of jail.... But a
true friend will be sitting next to you saying ... WE screwed up! Proud
to be your Friend!

I've learned....That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it
gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned....That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we
ask for.

I've learned....That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....That it's those small daily happenings that make life so
spectacular.

I've learned...That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to
be appreciated and loved.

I've learned....That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes
me think I can?

I've learned....That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....That when you plan to get even with someone, you are
only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned...That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned...That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to
surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned....That everyone you meet deserves to be with a smile.

I've learned....That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your
babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned...That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned...That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the
ones you miss.

I've learned....That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock
elsewhere.

I've learned...That I wish I could have told those I cared about that I
love them one more time before they passed away.

I've learned....That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned....That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your
looks.

I've learned....That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I
do about it.

I've learned....That when your newly born child holds your little finger
in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned....That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but
all the happiness, and growth happens while you're climbing it.

I've learned....That the less time I have to work, the more things I get
done.

Anyway Must go!
Will write on Monday
Ciao
Silver :P